He left me for other women (yes, that is not a mistake - other women). So I prayed that God would change his heart, open his eyes and cause him to return. Five years later, he has not change one bit. Except now he thinks he can be friendly with me with another woman in his bed.
He demanded a divorce. I said--no wait, the Holy Spirit said, "No. My position has not changed since the day I married you. I seek to know the love that never fails." I liked the answer that sprung up from my heart and took control of my tongue to form the words that flowed from my lips and into his ears. It was God's own answer. My love never fails. I had little experience of what that meant. All I really knew was that it was right.
Maybe if I had known the excruciating emotional pain involved in forgiving, loving, and praying for my enemy, I might have done the tempting thing and bolted for cover in the temple of my flesh, but (and here I thank Joyce Meyer for her testimony and her teaching about going around the mountain) this time - I obeyed God when He told me to "be strong and of great courage."
This blog is about the journey. Any broken heart is welcome here. Any heart seeking the love that never fails is welcome here.
In 2005, God used Psalm 55 to open my eyes. This Psalm is the foundation of my journey and on it, Abba built a temple of love so strong and so faithful that I am humbled to speak my position as a loving and faithful wife to a carnal (ex)husband. We are peculiar, but we stand because of Him, in His grace and completely trusting Him with every breath.
The first thing I discovered was just how compromised the Church is on this subject of marriage and divorce. Statements made by Believers to my husband knocked the breath out of me. Things like:
- "Whatever makes you happy."
- "May God bless you and give you peace in your new life."
- "Oh, if you are ever in town, please visit us because we will miss you."
Listen to my prayer, O God,
do not ignore my plea;
hear me and answer me.
My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught
at the voice of the enemy, at the stares of the wicked;
for they bring down suffering upon me
and revile me in their anger.
My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death assail me.
Fear and trembling have beset me'
horror has overwhelmed me.
I said, "O, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest--
I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;
I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and storm."
confuse the wicked, O Lord,
confound their speech,
for I see violence and strife in the city.
Day and night they prowl about on its walls;
malice and abuse are within it.
Destructive forces are at work in the city;
threats and lies never leave its streets.
If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were rising against me,
I could hide.
But it is you, one like myself,
my companion, my close friend,
with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
as we walked with the throng at the house of God.
Let death take my enemies by surprise;
let them go down alive to the grave,
for evil finds lodging among them.
But I call to God,
and the LORD saves me.
Evening, morning and noon
I cry out in distress,
and he hears my voice.
He ransoms me unharmed
from the battle waged against me,
even though many oppose me.
God who is enthroned for ever,
will hear them and afflict them-- Selah
people who never change their ways
and have no fear of God.
My companion attacks his friends; he violates his covenant.
His speech is smooth as butter,
yet war is in his heart;
his words are more soothing than oil,
yet they are drawn swords.
Cast your cares on the LORD
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall.
But you, O God, will bring down the wicked
into the pit of corruption;
the bloodthirsty and deceitful
will not live out half their days.
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